Writing Samples by E-mazingstories Members
for the Writer of the Month Contest and my Critique's of them.
(Scores are from 1 to 10)
1) Princessnazy123's sample;
As I slept dreamily, flashbacks of my recent cuts flashed my mind until I saw a familiar face. Kathy. I hated her. She was saying something to me, that I found was inaudible. What was she saying? As soon as her picture flashed away, another arrived. It wasn't someone familiar. It was black beauty. My worst nightmare. She was arriving gloomily up to me, until..
Critique of princessnazy123's sample;
• It was dramatic and suspenseful.
• The weakest part was the last sentence, in my opinion. The word choice/placement was a bit awkward.
• This sample was very descriptive though, which is nice, but some of the adjectives seemed forced. I think you could have found a way to fit them in more smoothly.
• I also suggest using paragraphing. It adds to the suspense and neatness of the story.
Score; 8 Overall, good piece. I would be interested in reading more.
2) Redstargal's sample;
My limb arched around a tall, slender pine; much like myself. "Snap," was heard from the ground, where rusting orange needles shelter it.
- - -
Down I fell from part of God's earth, & a split second later, a dark rain cloud rested on my eyes, disturbing my vision. All I could recall.
Still small twigs lay over my legs, & mother was putting great pressure on my wounds. Pain had found it's way into my arm...
Papa's familiar ax with the wooden handle was slung over the shoulder of his red flannel shirt. The sight was a medicine to my pain.
A lesson had to be learned from this. Trees of no strength & little girls do not result to a good ending.
THE END
Critique of Redstargal's sample;
• Interesting and unique subject for writing.
• It was kind of implying what was happening without giving it away. I can only assume she needed an amputation?
• I liked your writing format and the fact that you used paragraphing and symbols to show a gap in time. I suggest indenting though as well.
• Very descriptive and detailed, yet it wasn't done in a way that made it easy to understand. It was kind of awkward. It also made it mysterious though, like a riddle.
Score; 6 Overall, it was interesting, but I wouldn't read more because of the way it was written. It was hard to follow. I really want to know what happened to this girl though! :)
3) R.Fox's sample;
I was in my bedroom crying,as I watch bombs falling from the hovercrafts. I start crying."Queen Bellene a prisoner wants to see you" one of my peace guards said. "Okay" I reply to them. I went into the royal throne room. "You are arrest..FOREVER! Have a nice day. Guards,send him to the chamber! I go back up to my room and sing a song. I notice a strong light in my window. "Queen Bellene,as your punishment for your evil costs,you will be gone for good!" I was shocked by the light's comment,cause that,was my worst nightmare. It dragged me into it. "Noooooooooo!" I was in the light now. Then,all of the sudden,I could only see white. I was doing motions that I did not even new. Now,this is not my worst nightmare...it was my worst moment.
Critique of R.Fox's sample;
• This plot has potential and I can see it becoming a full story.
• I can tell this story was done by a young person, because there are common mistakes. Such as verb tense changes and not putting quotations in the proper places.
• Suspenseful, but once again. If the writer would have used proper paragraphing and indenting, It would have been better.
• It was actually pretty easy to follow, but it could have been more descriptive. If she had used more adjectives or details, it would have been even easier to follow.
Score; 7 Overall, I see potential. I assume this is a young writer, so seeing past the mistakes, I see a great imagination. I think this person will be a wonderful story teller later on in life once they learn more grammar, etc.
4) sillymillie7's sample;
Dasher the pony walked round the lush green gardens of the Rightlin family.Little Elsa the daughter of Alyssa Rightlin rode Dasher to the grocery store everyday and back.Elsa's life was kinda boring.She gathered up the fruit and veg that Alyssa wanted.Elsa sadly rode home with Dasher plodding along happily.
"Oh Dasher I do wish mother would do it herself," Elsa mumbled.
Her mother did not approve of Elsa's dress.Elsa was wearing Alyssa's favorite royal purple gown.Dasher had a little pony named Alder. Her baby was growing into a full grown horse and was ready for playing.
Critique of sillymillie7's sample;
• Good use of language. I can tell it is a historical piece and when Elsa spoke, it sounded old fashioned.
• Nice adjectives. I liked the descriptive words and explanatory sentences.
• Although, this sample isn't suspenseful enough. The point of a sample is to wow me. I liked it though. I have a soft spot for historical fiction.
• In depth story; I felt like the people were well thought out. I could tell there was history behind them.
Score; 5 Overall, good writing, but not a proper sample. It didn't show that the writer was fighting to win. I might not read more for that reason.
5) EllyGoldie's sample;
I heard them coming. Their heavy footsteps. Just the smell of their breath was enough to make anyone's blood curl. But I can't see them, just the dark forest ahead of me. The alpha male howls, the pack stop. Immediately I jump up the nearest tree. I turn and see them, I guess the howl gave it all away. A pack of nine well built, strong, grey wolf faced me. Every one of them was snarling at me. Fear stung me like an electric shock.
"Melissa?" Someone was shaking me. "Melissa!" My eyes open. The forest had gone. I was in my boring, everyday bedroom, my sister, Lily faced me. "Nightmares?" I nod, she sweeps a lock of golden brown hair from my face. "Me too." She sighs.
Critique of EllyGoldie's sample;
• Finally, a sample that is smoothly told and easy to follow. I can tell this writer is older also.
• Good grammar, except for plurals in certain places or where wolf should have been "wolves". Other then that, it was very correct, which was a breath of fresh air.
• I think there could have been more paragraphing. A paragraph is a complete thought or when each person speaks. I feel like many thoughts were jumbled together, but it can easily be fixed.
• Nice plot, but it isn't that original. I like the suspense level though, so it makes up for it. A good old fashioned chase scene never gets old.
Score; 6 Overall, wonderful sample, because it's correctly written. Even if it isn't super creative, it has grammar and so I might read more.
6) binlezzy's sample;
As I walked down the damp road, which just got cleaned, I whisper to myself, Wait, what was I doing again? Then I remembered, my aunt Lolo told me to fetch some water from the sewer for Donald. Donald is my pet. As soon as I gathered up the water, I went for a small walk around the country side. " Hey Lulu." My friend Jona said. " Hey. What are you doing here? You live in the city, " I said curiously. " I ran away. My mother is getting in a bunch of fights. I came to live in the farm, well my uncle`s farm." He replied. " Well I wish you good! " I said and left. As soon as I got home, my aunt said " where have you been? "
Critique of binlezzy's sample;
• The biggest problem is paragraphing. When a person speaks, it needs it's own paragraph. That bothered me a bit. It makes it harder to decipher who was speaking.
• I liked that it explained what was happening. It told me who Donald was, etc.
• Nice adjectives, but there could have been more. It was just enough to make me happy, but not enough to impress me.
• Again, this sample wasn't suspenseful. It needs to be so dramatic I am begging to read more. It's good writing, but it's not showing you're trying to win something.
Score; 5 Overall, above average sample. It was almost perfect grammar and well thought over, but it could have been better. I probably wouldn't read more of it, but I did enjoy it.
7) ValleyMoonMist's sample;
I entered in Dawn Bridge Castle.A tune sang the sorrows of my doom.A person called me in for tea.Two sugar cubes in a mug.i felt dizzy.For a long time i stared at the ceiling full of spirals with small safflowers showering with delightful perfume.Then Harlequin came in,i suddenly felt out of breath and then i realized i was heading for death.I woke up feeling a sudden urge to scream.Harlequin was Alive!i thought he was dead.Coming out to kill me? i know i throwed him off the throne but....oh come on think Edwyn think!
Now,looking back was not an option anymore.
Critique of ValleyMoonMist's sample;
• Very choppy, but I liked it. It felt the point of view of a person being dizzy or poisoned. It was mysterious too.
• Simple grammar errors were found. Capitalization errors are pure laziness and it makes me go crazy.
• It wasn't super suspenseful, but just enough for my taste. It also lacked paragraphing and indenting. It would have really help the score.
• Nice adjectives and descriptive words. It pulled it together nicely and was probably the saving factor.
Score; 6 Overall, it was entertaining, because of the choppy/dizzy way it was told. I enjoyed it and would probably read more of it!
8) alyssathesheep's sample;
"No y-y-you can't do this to me!" wailed Helen. "You just can't!" She ran across the street. "Helen!" yelled Brad after her. "C'mon, we can talk about this!" She ran. She kept running. She couldn't stop! How could Brad do such a thing?!? And with her best friend!?!? How could he cheat on her like that?!? Tears were streaming down her pale face. Brad was the one guy she ever liked. The one guy who made her feel special, beautiful. And now he was gone. She'd never be able to forgive him. Never. His words kept replaying in her head. 'Helen we need to talk. Helen, don't take this the wrong way.' HELEN, HELEN HELEN!! "Ugh!" she screamed and banged her head against a wall. Her head throbbed. She rubbed her bruised fore-head. She thought Megan was her friend. Her BFF. When really all she wanted was her boyfriend!
Critique of alyssathesheep's sample;
• Incredible suspense. Have you done this before? (lol) It's very well written and exactly what a sample should be; full of suspense.
• It's very realistic and can hit close to home for a lot of people, so for that reason it was a wise topic choice. It can be easily dramatized. We can feel the characters emotions also, which I love.
• Paragraphing would be very helpful for a scene like this, because there is so much going on, especially dialogue. It would really help out the reader and improve understanding.
• Great word choice and grammar. The word choice is so real and the story is told so well. I respect this kind of writing, because I wrote a long story like this and it's hard to be taken seriously. You accomplished this.
Score; 9 Overall, I LOVE IT. It's one of my guilt pleasures to read dramatic teen fiction. I'd totally read more.
9) Egzzyy's sample;
The dust lay as damp grey blanket on the window sill.
Years ago, this house was a party full of joy; party poppers, colour, happiness, friendship and love. That was until this 'demon' started lurking around every inch and every corner of this house: scaring and fearing the little children who used to play innocently beyond its walls.
Now, well it was just the same except from the fact that there was no people anymore, just paranormal happenings been seen through the windows by neighbours. Just like the house down the street.
"Have you seen the house down the street?" or "I saw something... in... in the win..dow."
Everyone dreaded to look back through the moulding, green stained windows of glass that belonged to the house.
Of course, the family was okay, you didn't need to worry, this thing wasn't after the people inside it. It wanted the people around it.
Critique of Egzzyy's sample;
• The first sentence has a mistake, which is a no-no. It sets a bad example for the rest of the sample, which in this case is very good.
• Very nice flow and description. It has lots of adjectives and explains the story of this house very nice. It's easy to follow, yet slightly mysterious. It could have had a bit more adjectives, but it isn't a major issue.
• I love the use of dialogue in the middle. It's a playful touch that I love to see. It can also break up all the details.
• Nice paragraphing, now you just need indenting. It also wasn't very suspenseful, but it was still a good sample...
Score; 6 Overall, it was pretty good. It wasn't as suspenseful as it could have been. My favorite part was the dialogue. I might read more, I'm undecided.
